Marriage Superior to Singleness?

If this idea isn’t overtly taught from the pulpits of our churches, magazines and relationship books, then it is often at least implicitly taught. I think the most common mutation or strain of this idea right now if the “godly” notion that marriage is designed to build your character and develop you into the person God wants you to be in a way that being single won’t.

It’s unbelievable and I’m sick of it.

There are so many problems with this idea. For starters, there are plenty of people who are married that don’t grow or mature. So, that’s a problem. And it’s a problem for both the married and the unmarried. Maybe marriage makes it a little harder to ignore issues you need to work through, but I don’t think it forces you to grow and mature.

It might just force your spouse to hate you.

Next, Jesus was single. If you want to declare that his character or holiness was underdeveloped because he was never married, then I’ll let you take the up with him.

Next, Paul. He was single too. Possibly—although unlikely—he was married, but all the evidence supports him being single. And he wrote a lot of the New Testament. More than Jesus did, actually.

Next, scripture is very clear (see Paul’s letters) that singleness is at least equal (if not superior) to being married.

Additionally, and perhaps finally, the people who are married who tell me this don’t always have the right to speak of character development in single people.

Let me explain.

If you get married in your early twenties you’ll never know the character development that occurs when you’re still single and 25. Or in your late twenties. Or into your thirties.

And they’ll never know what it’s like to live in religious culture that sees singleness as an imperfection, an incompleteness—that somehow you’re missing your “other half” or that you’re only “half of what you could be.”*

They will not know what it’s like to maintain purity and holiness for years longer than they imagined they’d have to wait for that special someone.

They’ll never know what it’s like to get a job offer or acceptance to a school far away from home and only have themselves (and God) to decide whether or not to go. And then only have themselves for support when they do go, alone.

They’ll never know what it’s like to have to depend on only themselves when they’re sick and need food from the grocery store.

Or medicine.

They’ll never know the perseverance or strength it takes to both go to school and figure out how to pay for their schooling, rent, books and food without the help of someone else to make the income.

Or to balance all of that with doing the laundry, cooking food, taking the car to the shop and cleaning the dishes.

I’m concerned that we are doing an unspeakable disservice to the single community by adding to their anxiety and struggles this idea that marriage is superior in developing their holiness, character or whatever else, than being single.

I think they’re just different.

But at the same time, I should mention that I’m still single.

And so was Jesus.

That is why I am convinced that what we really need is for people to rally around singles and encourage them to be the content and complete people  they really are.

Additionally, we need to encourage people, while they are still singe (to quote Andy Stanley) to “work on becoming the person you’re looking for is looking for,” because they are completely capable of growing and maturing through their relationship with God and their peers.

“Marriage is better than singleness”? I think I can stamp that one as another lie I’ve been sold. And it’s especially upsetting that this lie is so heavily pandered in Christian circles.

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*I particularly detest this line from a song originally written and sung by Dave Barnes and then covered (ripped off?) by Blake Shelton. I like the song, but I am discouraged by the notion here and elsewhere that you can’t make it as well as a single person.

True Love Waits – Purity

Image via Wikipedia

(Lies I’ve Been S/Told series)

There’s an organization within Christianity dedicated to encouraging purity among students. The only problem I’m beginning to worry about is the notion that you shouldn’t have sex before marriage to “save yourself” for your future spouse—hence the name “true love waits.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I myself have worn a ring that expresses this sentiment for some ten years (it has inspired many amusing conversations) but in recent years the motivation behind it has begun to fall a little flat in my mind.

I mean, how do you know you’re going to get married?

Not to be pessimistic, but you don’t know that you will get married. I could be killed in a car accident on my way home tonight from Starbuck’s and never get married. It’s a real possibility.  And what then? Was my “waiting” in vain? Was it useless?

Or what about the fact that I’m twenty five and there’s no one on the horizon? The idea of “waiting” is suddenly a little hallow.

I was in a friend’s dorm room with a couple of female friends and they were talking about waiting to have sex and one of them said, “I dunno, if I haven’t gotten married by the time I’m twenty five, I might just say ‘forget it, I’m going to have sex.’” They laughed and all agreed, by twenty five, if they weren’t married, they were going to have sex.

It was mostly in jest, and they were all about 20, so 25 seemed a long way off, but I think it illustrates the problem: Waiting for some abstract future that may or may not happen only motivates for a short time.

So what do you do when you’re 25 and still single? I don’t think the 15 year old me would have so readily signed up for that. And after awhile the fact that you’ve been walking down a tunnel with no light at the end of it for such a long time can get exhausting.

We need long term reasons to remain sexually pure.

Like that fact that it’s not worth the heart break and added complexity that being physical adds to any relationship. Did you know that a woman’s brain begins to release oxytocin (the same chemical released by the brain after childbirth to bond mother and child) after being held for only twenty seconds? I even saw this in a Men’s Health article about how to get a girl. They were saying how those long hugs help her bond to you—chemically. Scary? I think so.

It’s very easy to see from there how girls (especially) stay in unhealthy physical relationships with men who treat them poorly.

And bonding happens in guys over physical too, it’s just much slower (and a different chemical).

How about the fact that it’s really a commitment to God? That kind of a reason lasts far past the “was it worth the wait?” questions that inevitably arise. And it’s not because God is down on sex, but that he loves everyone and doesn’t want them to be hurt or hurting, and out of that concern encourages sexual purity. So great a concern that it’s commended to not have even a “hint of sexually immorality” or “lust in your heart after a woman,” which Jesus equates as being just as bad as adultery. That’s hard to imagine, isn’t it?

How about the fact that you can’t ever go back and undo something you did? The adage, “Once you taste the candy, you can’t go back” is probably especially true here. I mean, maybe it would be fun and worth it to have a romantic interlude for a summer with a girl and cherish it as a fond memory, but what if it’s not? And why risk bringing even more baggage into a relationship with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with? I’ve got enough stuff to work through, why would I want to add to it? And what if ten years from now I realize I’ve regretted that decision I made that night (or those nights) and there’s nothing I can do about it? I can’t go back and take it back.

I find those more compelling reasons to not have casual sex in my mid twenties than the idea of waiting. Yes, I think it would be wonderful to marry someone who didn’t have sex with anyone before me, but it doesn’t have to be because she was waiting for me.

So I wish some of these things were the main reasons pushed to students to “wait.” I mean, even if the “true love waits” motivation holds when you’re young, it starts to get neutralized when you’re with the person you “know” you’re going to marry. Or you’re getting older. Or….

That’s why this one fell in the category of a “lie” I’ve been sold. It’s half true, at best inferred from scripture, but it’s shallow packaging with thin advertising at best.

And I want to call it out.

The Value of a Human

This is actually an excerpt from the book I am writing, so it’s a bit ripped out of it’s context, but I thought it would be a good scriptural follow up to the “What I Don’t Deserve” article in my new series, The Lies I’ve Been S/Told. Enjoy!

See, what some of my brethren have mixed up is what we deserve versus what we have earned.

That’s an important distinction to make, because if your value is based on what you have earned, then yes, you “deserve” punishment for your sin.

But if your value comes from somewhere else, then punishments are what we have earned, not what we deserve.

It’s a core value question instead of a superficial concern of the moment.

It asks, “What do human beings deserve, as created?” not what they have now earned through their own actions.

Certainly we have earned punishment for our sins. We can all think of a bad choice that we’ve made that has caused consequences in our lives. And throughout scripture we see that when holy comes into contact with unholy, something has to die. And so we have earned our death, punishment and the suffering attached to it.

But human beings don’t deserve it.

If human beings deserved hell then God could have just saved time and created them in hell, “Mwa-ha-ha-ha!”

But that’s not the story of this God.

This God carefully crafted a wonderful, thriving environment for his creatures to live in and then set them as co-stewards over the very creation he created. He released them into his world with the ability to think, create and cultivate his beautiful creation. And he created them in an image (reflection, likeness) of himself.[1]

It was a world of vibrant, shimmering potential; creation and creatures loved by God.

So when we think about what human beings deserve, it’s very different from where they have ended up.

Zephaniah describes God as a mighty warrior who defends his people and takes great delight in them—even rejoicing over them with singing.[2]

Think about that.

God rejoices over his people with singing.

The Psalmist upon reflecting on the awesome magnificence of God asks, “What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?”[3]

Then he answers his own question. Why would an all powerful God who could do anything he wanted to care for these puny little frail creatures called mankind?

Because he created them.

But not just because he created them, but because he made them as wondrous, enchanting creatures, “You have made thema little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.”[4]

I like this paraphrase:

“Yet we’ve so narrowly missed being gods,
bright with Eden’s dawn light.
You put us in charge of your handcrafted world,
repeated to us your Genesis-charge,
Made us lords of sheep and cattle,
even animals out in the wild,
Birds flying and fish swimming,
whales singing in the ocean deeps.
God, brilliant Lord,
your name echoes around the world.”[5]

This is not a low view of humanity. This is the insistence that you are a not worthless creature that deserves to suffer in despair and pain, no; it’s the insistence that human life is uniquely precious and beautiful.

It’s a very high view of humanity

And if that view of humanity is true, then it’s no wonder that God would come down to his own creation and die for them.

And Jesus’ death isn’t saving humanity from what they deserve; it’s saving us from ourselves.

He’s not providing a better future—he’s offering us the correct future.

It’s a future full of richness in life, joy and communion with the Father of all creation. And so throughout the bible is the insistence that you are worth so much more than this. You were created with the divine spark, and in this is the affirmation and celebration and all of creation. When God steps down into his creation as Jesus he came in the sarx, the flesh. He came in the flesh to save the flesh and spirit. It’s the restoration of true humanity. The restoration of creatures from their fallenness to their intended glory and honor as God’s creation—as they deserve.

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[1] Genesis 1:26,2:15 [2] Zephaniah 3:17[3] Psalm 8:4[4] Psalm 8:5[5] Psalm 8:5-9, The Message.

What I Don’t Deserve

The Lies I’ve Been S/Told

I’ve had too many conversations with people who are being treated poorly at work, by their parents or their circumstances and write it off as “Well, you’ll run into that everywhere,” as if it’s somehow acceptable. What I’m concerned with is this underlying lie that so many people believe, that “I don’t deserve better.”

It’s especially dangerous because all too often the theology in Christian circles supports this idea. The truth is this is actually a twisted view of humanity, one that views humanity as worthless. And I’m sick of it.

I am sick of this idea that God came down to earth to save pieces of crap.

It doesn’t even make sense. Why would anyone die to save something that was truly worthless, wholly evil or without a trace of good?

God didn’t come down to earth to save pieces of crap, he came down to earth to save people covered in their own crap.

Some time ago, in a blog post about humility, I talked about how I think Christians especially have a hard time with a healthy self image, and therefore struggle with humility. I wrote,

“Humility is not self-loathing, it is not worthlessness nor is it being a doormat. Hear this now: A man had nails pounded through his wrists and feet because he thought you had worth, and were worth dying for. It takes an incredible amount of pride to turn around and tell him that he’s wrong and that you are actually worthless. You have great worth. Period.”

In my mind this gets into imagery of God’s Kingdom. I’m writing a book on the Lord’s Prayer and there will be a chapter on what God’s kingdom will be like. In scripture, the Kingdom is a restoration of creation as originally intended, a beautiful place of peace, prosperity, and fullness of life for all of God’s creatures.

Because human beings, as originally created, were created to be in a loving, prosperous relationship with God and creation.

If I may, that’s what they deserve.

And that’s what you, as a child of God deserves.

You deserve to work in a healthy work environment with a great boss, while being married to a wonderfully loving husband or wife, surrounded by good food, nice things and complete contentment and trust with those around you.

And since Jesus initiated God’s kingdom here on earth with his first coming, I think it’s ok for you to seek those things out now.

Of course you need to balance it with commitments and perseverance, but when you’re in a crappy work environment, when your girlfriend or boyfriend treat you poorly, or when people look down on you or tell you you’re not as good as them, it might be ok to say, “I deserve better.”

The proper response to all of these issues is to grieve your loss, not reflecting it back on yourself that somehow you don’t deserve better.

Because that’s a lie you’ve been sold.

And it shouldn’t be what you believe to be true about yourself.

You deserve better.